10 Ways to Increase Happiness, Immediately

True happiness is… a moving target. 

This is a tough one. Happiness is not so much a feeling or an emotion as it is an amalgamation of circumstances that average out to 6/10 or higher.

What scale are we using? It’s one I made up just now, where 0 is you’re starving to death while working 18-hour shifts at an entry-level sales job, and 10 is you wake up every day, have an excellent bowel movement, make glorious love, then win a marathon with ease.

Six or better means on the vast majority of days, you wouldn’t want to switch places with anyone else.

There’s no way to achieve these results instantly. The process will involve a significant amount of introspection (say: int-row-speck-shun). However, it’s very easy to fabricate this state using a variety of tried-and-true methods.

These are the top ways to increase happiness immediately, and I’ll try very hard to not include anything involving ejaculation.

1. Tequila

Nervous for a date? Long day at work? Malaise toward the future?

One shot of tequila will calm the nerves, two will turn you back into yourself. Three might make you a monster, so beware.

2. Masturbation

Damnit. I really tried.

3. Take a shower

Back in the day, only rich people got to bathe regularly. Now, you too can literally and metaphorically wash off today’s grossness. Bonus points for peppermint scented shampoo.

4. Call your mom

Please, just do it. Her happiness is enough. If being on the phone with her makes you unhappy, rejoice the moment she hangs up an hour later.

5. Eat a giant handful of spinach

Or chug a glass of water. It takes 10-seconds to trick yourself into doing one of the many things you know are good for you, but you’ll never do regularly.

6. Tell someone you love them

Maybe they’ll say it back?

And if they don’t return the sentiment, say you were just kidding and walk away.

7. Exercise

Easier said than done, right?

Wrong.

Introducing: How to work out when you don’t feel like it.

8. Drink coffee

It’s a highly addictive drug, disguised as a normal thing everyone does. Here’s the science.

9. Buy something online

Slippery slope right here. If anyone needs a shitty bathing suit purchased off Amazon, I know a guy who will literally give them away.

10. Subscribe to this blog

Just kidding. You deserve to end on a better attempt at humor.

10. Surround yourself with shiny things

There’s a reason kids like objects that sparkle and glow. It’s something to do with evolution or maybe the alien race that dropped us off on Earth 7,000 years ago.

Either way, you haven’t really changed all that much since you were five. Try tacking LED string lights to the walls and ceiling anywhere you exist regularly.

In conclusion

Coffee, sex, and calling your mom will make you happy, or at least help you pantomime happiness for a brief moment in time.

The best ways to get these things are to:

• Learn how to make your own
• Find a loving, committed sexual partner
• Stop being selfish

In that order.

If you didn’t like this blog, perhaps you’re already happy. It’s possible you’ve tried masturbating and filling your life with twinkle-lights and you’re still miserable. If so, please subscribe so I can have another chance.

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