10 Easy Ways to Improve Your Health That You’ll Never Do

These are the habits of healthy, mentally well people. These practices take little to no time at all. They are all free of charge, and if you do any of these things, you will feel better and be a more satisfied person.

But you will do none of these things.

You will gaze upon this list and tell yourself how easy it would be to do any or all of these things. You might tell yourself today is the day you make a change.

No, you will not do these things. This is okay, because as the hands of your wall clock spin unhindered, and as light turns to darkness turns to light once again, you will continue to live just as you are. Wishing for better, but still not doing these things.

Why can’t I do these very easy things that’ll make me healthier and happier?

• You will not do these things because they are boring.
• You will not do these things because they are not 100% necessary to survive.
• You will not do these things because they are not YouTube videos.

Here are the things you will not do, despite the knowledge that they are simple efforts and your false belief you will do them someday.

Stretching

You spend most of your life sitting, which tightens your hamstrings, hip flexors, and other things you need to feel better when moving. Stretching will make you feel better and more physically capable.

“They” say you should stretch in the morning when you wake up, and at night before you go to bed. However, this is when you are tired, so you will not stretch.

You can stretch during the day, but people might see you, and you will look silly, so you will not stretch.

This is why you will not stretch.

Getting enough sleep

You are tired all the time, because you don’t get enough sleep. However, you stay up late because of your anxieties, and you must get up early in order to act on those anxieties.

You will not get enough sleep.

Meditating

Meditation will help you organize your thoughts and clear your mind. But those stressful thoughts are due to real-life issues that must be solved. You do not have the time and space to both meditate and solve life’s complex challenges.

You will not meditate.

Making your bed

Making your bed will help you start your day with organization and purpose, but you woke up late because you didn’t get enough sleep. Now you are in a hurry, and making the bed will put you further behind schedule.

When you return later in the day, you will look at your unmade bed and wish it looked nicer. Then you will sit down on it to untie your shoes, only to wake up 45-minutes later, slightly sweaty with a headache from falling asleep under direct light. Your night will continue, but now it will be difficult to fall asleep at the time you originally intended to.

You will not make your bed.

Drinking enough water

Water doesn’t taste good, so you drink diet coke. It’s not the same, and the caffeine makes you jittery. Plus, the few times you’ve tried drinking enough water, you were always peeing, and this was annoying.

Also, you showed up at a friend’s birthday party once and saw someone drinking water from a milk carton and swore you’d never be that person.

You will not drink enough water.

Limiting screen time

In contemporary times, the whole world is contained within a series of small, backlit frames. Functionally, you could live a rather complete modern life while staring at nothing but your phone or a laptop screen for 18-hours each day.

If you don’t look at screens, you will not be entertained, informed, or productive. Your job requires you to look at screens. If you do not look at screens, you will be broke.

If you don’t look at screens, you won’t know what your friends are doing, and you’ll have nothing to distract you from your freefalling sense of self. You’ll also need to exist in silence with other people on elevators, public transit, and at home.

You will not stop looking at screens.

Taking time off work

Work is the only thing giving your life a sense of routine and purpose. Without work, you don’t know how to structure your days or finish tasks. Work is the only thing you know how to talk about for more than 30-seconds at a time.

You have three-weeks of paid vacation from your employer, but you’ll spiral into an existential identity crisis on day two, and oh great, now you’ve brought your work laptop to the beach house. Checking emails steadies your shaking hands.

You will not take time off work.

Pursuing passions

You have a job, a relationship, a family, and biological necessities that need attending to. Your passions pay no money, and you aren’t very good at them. Getting better takes time you don’t have.

Passions are the butter cream icing that fills fictional characters and children of billionaires.

You will not pursue your passions.

Not Overeating

You feel bloated when you overeat, and you fart in bed all night. But food is delicious, and the process of improving your life is a difficult one to begin.

You’ll begin tomorrow by researching how to not overeat before bed.

Stop comparing yourself to others

Other people are how you measure worth and decide what you want. You could consider living in an isolated cave somewhere in the mountains, limiting human contact to once or twice each decade. A hermit, if you will!

But on a cold, snowy night, as you examine the frostbite creeping up from the ends of your fingers and listlessly chew on the last of your frozen salamanders, it’s important not to think: “I wonder what my ex is doing right now?”

Only old people don’t compare themselves to each other, and that’s because they know all are equal in death (lol).

You will not stop comparing yourself to others.

How can I start doing these very easy things that nobody can seem to do no matter what?

The only way to possibly drink enough water and start meditating is to follow my blog. In case you haven’t already noticed, this blog will also teach you how to make delicious protein shakes and poop more quietly at your girlfriend’s apartment.

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