Do your kitchen chairs match? Do you even own more than one? Would your bathroom be considered ‘nice,’ only if it were the kind you enter around the side-exterior of a gas station? Do you currently have two or more pairs of shoes under the coffee table in front of your couch?
If these questions pertain to you whatsoever, you’re probably a dude, and chances are your apartment is dude-ish. That is to say, someplace that would make not-dudes uncomfortable to be in for more than 5-minutes.
Right now, your apartment is the equivalent of a man-enclosure at the zoo. It contains some items to keep you busy doing man-things, and can be hosed down if necessary. Should you be replaced by a sloth, not too much would need to change.
If living in a white room with halogen lighting and a drain in the middle of the floor sounds like a pleasantly convenient way of life, please stop reading now. Otherwise, there are a few easy things most higher-order primates can do to make their living quarters more habitable.
Why can’t I live like a dude forever?
First of all, nobody lives forever. Secondly, the long term side effects of inhaling that strange soap mold in your shower aren’t well studied. If nothing changes, it’s possible you’ll only be able to live like a dude for another 10-years, tops.
Furthermore, it’s important to live less dude-ishly because women — generally speaking — aren’t dudes. A lot of people — regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or disability — aren’t dudes. Many people were once dudes, but have changed their ways because of the advantages offered by a life free from dude-ishness.
So there it is. Living less like a dude will (probably) make you more sexually appealing to a wider variety of partners. But, believe it or not, turning your living space into a more comfortable, more aesthetically pleasing environment could have positive repercussions for your own mental and physical well being, too. You might grow another inch, or decide to go back to school.
Ways to make your apartment feel less like a weekend-jail
There are a few main differences between your apartment and a conference room at the unemployment office downtown. Currently, they look rather similar, and project feelings of hopelessness toward the future. This is okay for one, but not both of these places.
Green is good
Having plants in your apartment creates the illusion things other than you can live there. They bring a sense of vibrancy and natural charm to a space in which you’ve microwaved most of your meals for the past three years.
Furthermore, “science” says plants do other good things, like reduce stress, improve air quality, and boost productivity. Feel free to tout these blessings with a false sense of confidence whenever you play host to other humans.
Put a box around it
The first step is to get rid of your blank walls —they serve as a constant reminder to you and everyone else of time’s eternality and how meaninglessly short our duration on earth really is.
The next step is to put all those dumb posters, album jackets, and photographs you’ve collected over the years into something called frames. These wooden or plastic rectangles will preserve the structural integrity of your wall-hangings, as well as serve as a physical delineation between your youth and maturity.
Light it up
If you can only have one light source in a room, it makes sense to put it on the ceiling. This will help you find your lost keys quicker and check for burglars hiding in the corners. The problem is, everyone looks and feels terrible in this dull and waxy hue.
Lamps project feelings of comfort, rather than utility. Their interesting shapes are interesting, and their soft light is softer on the eyes. Just buy a few lamps. It’s really easy, and you’ll look better when lovemaking.
Make your bed
Making your bed every day is boring and hard, especially when it’s just you seeing it. However, even if your bedroom floor is covered with articles of clothing and tissues that missed the garbage can, it will make the space seem more neat and sane. Furthermore, a made bed can be used for other activities, like folding the articles of clothing on your floor. Also, it’s more satisfying getting into a made bed at the end of the night. This guy says it’ll change your life, but he doesn’t sound like someone who’s had much fun.
The bathroom is a room too
You’ll spend over ⅓ of your life on the toilet, or something like that. A comfortable and well-designed bathroom will make activities like reading on the toilet, scrolling through instagram on the toilet, and staring blankly into eternity on the toilet much more enjoyable.
Other details, like candles, window fans, and scented oil sprays, will make it easier to poop discreetly, which is important if a potential sexual partner is close by.
Bonus points go to men who have taken the time (45 seconds) to purchase matching towels on the internet, and putting a succulent near the sink or on the back of the toilet pretty much guarantees at least second base with anyone who sees it.
If the only place to find pillows in your apartment is on your bed, you are living a sub-par life. Pillows can be used for a variety of activities, like shielding your thighs from hot plates of food while you eat on the couch.
As it turns out, a recent study found a strong positive correlation between the number of pillows in your apartment and the amount of sexual intercourse you have in a year. Clearly, the more pillows, the better, so long as you don’t have a creepy amount of pillows.
A quick way to spice up your life is with spices. Mature adults know arranging your spices in a convenient way makes it look like you know how to cook. True story: most adults who actually do cook have spices arranged in a haphazard way that makes literally everything more difficult.
Why is it bad to live like a dude?
If it makes you happy to live like a dude, please continue. However, if you feel like you’re sub-optimally happy, and you’re living like a total dude, consider incorporating some of the above principles into your design scheme. It will possibly make you live longer, and probably help you find everlasting love.