How to Poop Discreetly at Your Girlfriend’s Place

physically uncomfortable man near woman. holding in poop

What is pooping discreetly at your girlfriend’s place?
Why it’s important to poop discreetly at your girlfriend’s place
Keys to pooping discreetly at your girlfriend’s place
Things to avoid when pooping discreetly
When can I poop freely again?

Pooping at your girlfriend’s place used to be easy. Back in the first few years of unmarried, real-world life, everyone was broke and living with a bunch of other people. Sneaking away to ruin the toilet could be accomplished anonymously. Car traffic or chatter from the bar downstairs obscured any foul noises, and the bathroom maintained a suspicious smell at all hours, regardless of use.

But now we’re older, and the very things that make life more comfortable for her — a quiet living space, an ensuite bathroom — make life unnecessarily backed-up for you.

The common refrain “everyone poops” is used to ease embarrassment around a bodily function that shouldn’t carry any stigma. We’re taught to believe pooping is an acceptable and understandable thing to do both in your own apartment and somebody else’s.

However, the reality of the situation is even worse than you could imagine. In a recent ‘study,’ 90% of relationships lasting fewer than three months potentially ended because the man pooped too loudly or odorously. The consequences are very real, and if you want to have any chance of maintaining your current relationship or having sex ever again, you need to learn how to poop comfortably and consistently at your girlfriend’s place, without her truly knowing what you’re doing.

What is pooping discreetly all about?

Men like to take their time on the toilet. It’s something akin to meditation. It’s time to catch up on reading, the news, and that YouTube binge he’s been procrastinating. Furthermore, there are two types of men: those who reflect inside the bathroom, and those who reflect other places. Eliminating toilet reflection leaves only shower reflection for the prior of the two groups. This essentially cuts introspection and higher order thinking in half for a large group of men, which leads to fewer intelligent conversations and a lower degree of self awareness, two of the most important ingredients in finding someone willing to have sex with you.

Pooping discreetly is when you can cut lumber in the bathroom without your girlfriend knowing precisely what you’re doing. Maybe you were just peeing? Peeing is less embarrassing, because girls do it too.

So long as your girlfriend doesn’t know you were pooping, you still have a chance of finding love. Please note: none of this matters if you fart in bed.

Why is it important to poop discreetly at your girlfriend’s place?

If you don’t learn how to poop discreetly at your girlfriend’s place, you’re going to be very uncomfortable during the first three-to-four-months of your relationship. If you’re uncomfortable and frequently clenching your butt, you may find it difficult to maintain an erection long enough to be a competent sexual partner. Not giving your woman a satisfying sexual experience will doom your relationship forever. The facts don’t lie: five out of every seven women surveyed said good sex was the most important part of a healthy relationship. The other two said good sex and a huge dick.

After approximately 95-days of exclusive dating, most girlfriends won’t care as much if you poop, as long as you use odor eliminating sprays and oils, both before and after. It’s common in many cultures for men to celebrate this milestone with a celebratory date in which copious amounts of chicken wings and waffle fries are consumed.

Keys to pooping discreetly at your girlfriend’s place

The key to evacuating discreetly is doing so quietly while masking any obvious fecal odors. Use these strategies to achieve relationship success.

Poop while she’s sleeping

You’ll be able to take a bit longer and won’t need to worry about noise control so long as your girlfriend is deep in slumber. Set an alarm for around 4 AM, or let your natural anxieties jolt you awake in a sweaty panic before sunrise. Walk quietly to the bathroom and let loose, knowing you’ll be primed and ready for morning sex, should you be so lucky.

Play music

This strategy only works if you create the perception early on that you’re the kind of dude who likes to play music out loud. It doesn’t matter the type of music, as long as it has a rhythm and isn’t country. You’ll still have to poop quickly, but 50% of your worries will be taken care of.

Run water while pooping

Running the sink is a dead giveaway. If you have the type of relationship where you shower at each other’s apartments, you can totally get away with this. She might wonder why you take such long showers, but women also like to take long showers, so if she questions you, just call her a hypocrite and move on.

Poop in public

Offer to run an errand for your girlfriend and shit at the grocery store. Or, take your girlfriend out on a date for the express purpose of your successful bowel movement. This will cost you money, but it’s not forever. Consider working an extra job in the meantime.

Things to avoid when pooping discreetly at your girlfriend’s place

There are a few dead giveaways that you’re pooping. Avoid doing these things and you’ll have a better chance of faking it ‘til you can comfortably make it in the toilet.

  1. Courtesy flushing. Two flushes means you pooped and it was smelly.
  2. Loud toilet farts. If it’s loud, you’re screwed. Exhale while pushing to relax your butthole.
  3. Artificial deodorant spray scents. Try to open a window.
  4. Depleted toilet paper roll. Replace low roll with a new one. Buy more toilet paper in secret.
  5. Toilet streaks. Please, learn how to use a toilet brush.
  6. Announcing your business. You “need to use the restroom,” you don’t “have to poop”

When can I poop freely again?

After three months, if there’s a real emotional connection between you and your girlfriend, you may be able to take a little more time in the bathroom. After four months, she may even acknowledge your human-hood and be okay with hearing bodily functions happen. After five months, if you’re still uncomfortable pooping at your girlfriend’s place, you should probably break up. It’s important to be yourself in any honest and genuine relationship. Hiding your true self is totally okay in the beginning, but five months or longer, and you’re potentially looking at an unhappy marriage. Please, don’t poop nervously forever.



  1. idk man, if you’ve gotta be secretive about pooping that far into a relationship…..i just don’t know.

    me? i’ve always been able to shit anywhere. check out my latest post about pooping.


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